How to Tell a Woman No to Sex

Contrary to popular belief, almost all women enjoy sex. If you're in a relationship with a woman, there may be times when she wants to have sex and you don't. Here is how to clearly and compassionately tell her no.


  1. 1
    Recognize that you have the right to say no. Consent is an ongoing process, and if at any time you want to stop or cool things down, you have the right to do so. It is absolutely normal and okay to say no or change your mind.
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    Tell her sooner rather than later. It isn't fun for you to be awkwardly hanging out while she gets herself worked up, and she'll feel bad if she thinks she did anything with you that you didn't want to do.
  3. 3
    Tell her no. Break contact by leaning away, turning your head, or using one hand to gently push her away (if she's all over you). Then take a deep breath and considerately, firmly tell her how you feel.
    • "Now's not a good time."
    • "I don't think I'm ready for that."
    • "Not tonight."
    • "I don't want to do this right now."
  4. 4
    Be prepared to explain. While you aren't obligated to explain your feelings, it will help her understand that it isn't personal. Be honest with her and be willing to answer any questions to help reduce her confusion.
    • "I'm just not feeling it. I'm still stressed about work and my heart just isn't in it tonight."
    • "I've never done that before and I don't feel ready."
    • "I'm just not in the mood."
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    Work out an alternate plan for the night. She may feel concerned about any unhappy feelings of yours, and she might want to help you. Would you be okay with snuggling, just kissing, or cuddling with a movie and popcorn? If she's concerned because you're feeling upset, is there a way that she could help you feel better (besides sex)? Work out something that is okay with both of you.
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    Talk to her about any long-term differences in sexual needs if this becomes a pattern. If your partner has a higher libido than you do, then it's important to work things out together. How can you compromise—would you be willing to have sex more often, and would she be willing to take care of herself sometimes? Is there a certain thing she/you could do to help make it more interesting for you?
    • Have this conversation at a quiet time when both of you are relaxed, and when you are not in the middle of a make-out session.
  7. 7
    Make it clear that you still love her. Your clear explanation will have given her reason to believe that it isn't her fault, but just in case, you can clear up doubts by going out of your way to show that you love her. Consider trying something like snuggling with her, kissing her on the cheek, making her breakfast the next morning, complimenting her a little more, or some other way to show love. This will help her feel that your disinterest isn't personal.


  • Don't keep delaying it, because sooner or later, she will bust you for lying. Then, she won't want to be with you anymore!

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Categories: Reproductive Health | Dating