How to Stop Being Emotionally Needy After a Long Marriage

After the breakdown of a long marriage, we may be left feeling empty, confused alone and needy. It's perfectly natural to feel overcome by the desires to feel loved and wanted again, as these were emotions we became familiarly accustom to while in a lengthened partnership. A newly single life may prove alien and tough. Whilst the newly experienced lack of company,affection and or feeling of neglect and loss can cause us to crave and exhibit needy emotions, there are a few steps we can take while we are waiting for, 'time to be a great healer' as people always compliment it to be.


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    Remember that whilst your marriage may not have traveled down the path that you wanted, or expected, that you are not to blame yourself, and a marriage is rarely ever of one sided blame.
    • Take some time out to think about all of the factors that led to the destruction of your marriage, not discounting the things you or your partner did wrong, as to not indulge in self guilt/blame, but also not harbor feelings of harsh anger or resentment toward your partner, in an attempt to fault them for it all.
    • A lot of the time, the feeling of 'neediness' is born from feeling that we are not good enough. When you remind yourself that you are not solely to be blamed,and your contribution alone could not have been the sole premise of your divorce ,you will begin to understand that you ARE good enough, and are worthy.
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    Remember that you are not alone. Yes it is true that you are now beginning life away from somebody whom you have spent a lot of time, and built a future with, but they were not the only person who loved you.
    • One of the main things in marriages, are the merging of two people, and or sometimes isolation of other family members and friends. This could be classed as one of the primary reasons, divorce can be such a lonely and daunting time, as the realization sets in that without your ex, you are standing by yourself This however, is untrue.
    • This is the perfect time to reconnect with old friends, find yourself retrieving numbers of past acquaintances that you always wanted to meet up with, but couldn't quite find the time since you were always planning weekly trips with your husband.
    • Reunite with single friends you may have neglected in attempts to accommodate your newly married life, you may feel as if those people have long forgotten you, but it is never too late to retrieve that little black book!
    • Also, don't forget that family are there for a reason! Use them as MUCH as you can! We sometimes forget that no matter how old we get or how far we move from home, our family will always be there to love, comfort and adore us, use this to your full advantage! Surround yourself with family members, retreat back to your old town if you have to, take solace in the people who will always cherish you, plan family days out, treat the ones you love. You may be feeling needy because you are NEEDING lost comfort, NEEDING lost love, NEEDING reassurance, all of these things you can find within the people who love you the most.
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    Remember who you are. Whilst in a marriage most of your identity seems to merge into a dual 'hermaphrodite' persona. You and your partner dissolve into one big character, and develop traits of each other's habits, some we may like, and others not so much.
    • Now, is the time to remember who you were before the marriage and what you loved about yourself! Much of the neediness you will be feeling delves around you feeling desperate to find yourself outside of a relationship you were in for so long.
    • Instead of projecting your confusion into desiring company or contributions that distract you from rediscovering yourself, take the time to write, begin a journal, write down questions you're confused about, and go back to it a few days later, and try to answer it.
    • You will find that a lot of the things you are requesting answers for, can be found within yourself, if you just take the time to listen to you. Trust you again.
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    Last but not least, do not forget that you are worthy of love and WILL find love again. Just because this marriage did not work out, does not mean that everything you commit a substantial amount of time and effort to will not work.
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    DO not use your failed marriage as a guideline of comparison to other things in your life, no matter how tempting it may be, this is not and will not be the beginning of a string of failed attempts and sabotaged opportunities. See this as a fresh start, a new conquest, and do not rush into seeking solace in the environment of anything that seems draining and daunting.


  • Take up a new hobby, or reunite with an old one. Try to join activities clubs where you may meet new people, socialize often, particularly groups or clubs that may have been set up for the newly divorced, or divorced in general. It will be beneficial to share your experiences with people who know and understand what you are going through, and will not look at you through judgmental eyes.
  • Take up a sport. Whilst you may feel like sorting out more important aspects of your life, exercise and sunlight have been known since the dawn of time to directly positively impact moods, and uplift you by releasing pleasurable endorphins. A few minutes exercise in the day will also ensure that you are well rested, and relaxed come evening time, and more susceptible to a refreshing night's sleep.
  • Try indulging in a new look! Get yourself a make-over, professionally or a self dye or eyelash kit! Go for something bold, flattering! Look through magazines for latest, cutting edge styles, revamp your wardrobe, or model your favourite celeb!


  • Be careful of feelings of loneliness or neediness driving you into the arms of another. You may not be ready to begin a new romantic relationship, and are still possibly carrying emotional baggage from the previous. You may think you miss all the commodities of a committed relationship, but you need to give yourself time and patience before diving into a new one
  • Try not to act bitterly or resentfully toward your ex even if you begin to feel this way, as this may only enable them to say more hurtful or detrimental things in attempts of self defense or frustration. This will just leave you feeling more abandoned and needy.
  • if there are kids involved in this divorce, be sure not to be seen or heard bad mouthing your former spouse around them, as this could have a direct destructive emotional effect on them, and cause them hurt and confusion. It is also teaching them negative, unhealthy ways of expressing their emotions and any self pity and negative behaviors may cause them to adopt these patterns and begin their own bout of self blame and loneliness.
  • If you and your ex have decided that you are completely over and there is no chance of reconciliation, do not feel tempted to call them, and attempt to 'sort things out' or harass them just because you are feeling lonely or down.
  • Try not to leave drunken voice mails or text voicing any unexpressed feelings after possible nights out or a few drinks, avoid this by handing your phone over to a trusted party, who will not give in and provide it to you no matter how persuasive you may be.

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Categories: Marriage Issues