How to Get Someone Who Hates You to Like You

Two Methods:Getting to the Bottom of HatredKilling Hate with Kindness

You’re never going to be able to get everyone in the world to like you. That’s just the way it is. However, sometimes you can be put in a situation where someone you really need to get along with just doesn’t like you for whatever reason. Maybe it’s a coworker, or a boss, or a friend of a friend. These situations can really make your life difficult, so it’s worth it to know how to change someone’s mind.

Method 1
Getting to the Bottom of Hatred

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    Find out if they really and truly hate you. Hate is a strong emotion, one very few people feel casually. Do they actually hate you? or are you giving yourself too much credit as a force in their life?[1] That said, the following signs could mean there is some beef between y'all.
    • Intentionally making your life difficult.
    • Ignoring your words and conversations.
    • Talking trash about you behind your back.
    • Throwing cruel language and insults your way at every opportunity.
  2. 2
    Dig into the reason they dislike you so much. Just be straightforward and ask them. 90% of the jerks harboring hateful feelings won't have much to say back to you -- they're just angry people. When confronted, they'll stammer, hem, and haw, because there is no good reason to hate you. But, if they do respond, you'll have a chance to make things right:
    • If they are uncomfortable, just flash them your pearly whites and say, "It's all right. Let's just try and be better friends in the future."
    • If they tell you a reason why, say "That's good to know. I'm working on being a better person, and not doing ________." If you can give them a concrete step, like you're trying to make less of a mess in the work kitchen to be more respectful, let them know.
    • If their reason is unreasonable or dumb, just admit "that not everyone's perfect," and move on. Don't waste any more breathe trying to tame a jerk who doesn't want to be tamed.
  3. 3
    Look back on your past few interactions. Did you blow them off? Forget a favor? Insult them casually? Maybe you've been a bit braggadocious lately without even knowing it -- complaining about a the maid being late when they can hardly afford a broom, for example. Really dive deep into your personal interactions with them (you're not perfect either!) and then try and make it right by bringing up any slights.
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    Address the problem head on. Once you know what the issues is, you have to make an effort to fix it. Don't get snippy and fight them ("I was not rude to you, you were just being a sensitive wuss!"), smile, apologize where needed, and make a plan to do better next time [2] Tell them that you know you’ve had your disagreements, but that you just wanted to be straight with them and work things out. Most people will respect this. If they don’t, at least you tried to be mature about the situation.
    • Be direct without being pushy. For example, say one of your coworkers hates you because you backed into his car a few weeks ago. "Listen, I'm really sorry about your car. I made a mistake, and I shouldn't have been so careless. I feel horrible, and I want to find a way to make it up to you."
    • If you still don't know what caused the problem, say something like, "Hey, I'm not sure what's up, but I've noticed that you're kinds upset with me. I hope I haven't done something to piss you off. What's up?"
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    Not everyone is going to like you -- deal with it. In fact, this is a good thing! If you're living your life and staying true to yourself, you're not going to get along with all six plus billion people on the planet. If you have tried everything else and the person still hates you, then that person kinda just sucks. There is no way you're changing that, and why would you want to? You can feel good knowing that you put in an effort to change their mind -- it makes you the much bigger person.[3]
    • Hate is an extreme, passionate emotion. If someone is so invested in disliking you, then they likely have other things going on in their life that have made them so angry and upset.
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    Avoid the person to avoid the hatred. This isn’t always possible, but put them out of your life if you can. Remove the problem from your life. There’s not benefit to having someone like that around, so block their calls, ignore them on your way in the door, and banish their existence from your brain. Most bullies and haters will run out of material once you stop interacting with them. Don't give the vampires any more blood to suck.
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    Move on. Make friends with other people. Plenty of other people will like you, and some people will hate you. That’s just the way the world works. Move on and start fresh with someone new. Don’t let it grind you down, because that's what the haters want. You've already risen above them by trying to make things right. Leave the rest of the haters in your metaphorical moral dust.[4]
    • Haters gonna hate.Truer words have never been spoken.

Method 2
Killing Hate with Kindness

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    Lend a helping hand to your so-called "enemy." You don't want to -- no one wants to help out a jerk -- but you should. Find ways to be supportive and helpful around this person, in ways that make the most of your own strengths. Just do small things without calling attention to the favor. You're not "winning them back" or courting them, you're just being a good person. Be casual kind: don't make a big deal of it or ask for thanks, just get it done.
    • If they don't have any lunch at lunch time, offer to give them something of yours.
    • If they make a joke that they and their friends find funny, laugh.
    • If they respond with anger or hatred to your kindness, just smile and walk away. It's a defense mechanism for the hurt and lonely -- not true hatred.
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    Make them help you. Studies show that this is even better than helping the other person out.[5] And you get free labor! Keep the request small and manageable, or honor them with a bigger collaborative task if you're feeling bold. They'll feel good about helping you out, which makes them feel good about you. Its the best kind of reverse psychology, and is the result of something called "cognitive dissonance."
    • Trying to win over someone by harming yourself is pointless. If they're going to screw it up, intentionally, then screw them. You'll find plenty of other friends who aren't so cruel.
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    Make an effort to have regular conversations. Make the first move in order to fix any broken friendship. Invite them for tea, go see a movie, go on a double date, or just stop by their desk. Get out there and talk to each other. Most people only hate others because they don't know or understand them. Granted, the first few conversations will probably suck, since they "hate" you, but they will melt. Even the hardest hearts want a friend.[6]
    • "How was your day/weekend?" is the simplest, but most effective token of friendship you can offer, and you can use it anytime, anywhere.[7]
    • Ask questions about them instead of talking about you. He already hates you, so giving him more of you isn't doing you any favors, right? But people love to talk about themselves. Focus on listening, getting to know where they come from so you can become a better friend.[8]
    • Find shared interests. Solving the hatred isn't necessarily enough -- not if you want to ever be friends with someone. Try to find something that you can talk about together. Maybe you both like the same sport, or riding motorcycles, or dancing, or collectible cookie jars.[9]
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    See them outside of your normal hater-habitat, like work or school. Get them to go out with you somewhere, usually as part of a group. More likely than not, they will not accept an invitation just to hang with you -- and you're not going to have a great time with someone who hates you. But, in groups, a casual setting is the perfect place to strike up conversations that lead towards friendships.
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    Be friendly with their friends. Once his or her friends realize you're not the second coming of Satan, it's going to be a lot harder to hate you. You aren't stealing friends, by the way (and you thought he hated you now!), you're just being your friendly, personable self. Whether you notice or not, his friends get to work on the hater for you.


  • Don't try too hard to impress the other person. Act normal and be yourself. If you're totally desperate, then maybe you should find some other friends that you can rely on because even if you did befriend this person, you probably wouldn't be able to trust them in the same way as you trust your real friends. They should like you for who you are.
  • Try to find out what type of person he/she really is. Find something in common then you can work around that.
  • Be polite. Ask the basics when the person visits you, such as "would you like a drink?", "are you cold?" or "are you hungry?".
  • Do not share any negative personal things about yourself to be "natural"; the other person may look down on you. Be positive and show them the good things about yourself - traits that make that person want to be around you more.
  • Don't change your basic self. Change bad habits and poor grooming by all means, and work on bettering your natural character traits, but don't try to smother your real personality just because you're trying to fit in. It's a fine balance between self improvement and self effacement.
  • Trying to impress them may even seem like you're showing off. Keep it toned down.
  • Be kind always. Don't always stare and in a way ignore a little. If you want them as a friend and they don't want you as one it might not work out. If this happens at school look into studying more and become friends with new people and your teachers. Avoid rude people that don't make you feel comfortable. And always be your self, if they don't like you for being yourself than don't bother to become friends because when you have a friend you must commit to be respectful to he/she at all times.
  • If this person is simply not warming up to you remain being kind to them, but don't waste your energy! You picked up everything you did wrong, but if they didn't do their part, they are not worth it.

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Categories: Making Friends