How to Date As a Feminist

Being a feminist means you value yourself as a person, and that as a woman with power, worth, and self-confidence, you come to a date as an equal with your date. It also means you have the power to say no to many of the restrictive dating norms, and that can be wonderful for your partner. Being a feminist means you can be fun, free, sexy, and not have to compromise yourself because its somehow unfeminine.


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    Be comfortable with yourself. Remember that dating is about your own personal happiness; it is not about conforming to a certain kind of image or typerelationship with a certain kind of person. Move at your own pace, make decisions based on your comfort level, and communicate with your date.
    • For example, you do not have to dress a certain way or put on make-up because you are supposed to.
    • If you do not like hanging out at night clubs, do not try to pick up dates at night clubs. You want a date that likes what you like, and if you hate the bar scene, you will not find your dream guy or girl there.
    • If you do not want to get physical on the first date, you have every right to honor that feeling; that does not make you prudish. If you do want to get physical on a first date, that also does not mean you are "easy" or "slutty", it just means you feel a different way.
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    It is OK not to act "girly". Some women are very classically "feminine", while others are not. Women do not have to be shallow, emotionally unbalanced, or clingy. Men do not have to be aggressive, emotionally distant, or dominant. What's important is that you present yourself as you see yourself. Be you.
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    Recognize that not everyone will share the same values as you. Not every guy (no matter how "nice", "educated" and so on) really understands and appreciates how to date a person with feminist ideals. Some people are looking for their significant other to be subservient, an accessory, or a sex object. When you encounter these people, move on. It's not wrong to want to change someone for whom you've become attracted, but know that you won't always be successful and you might end up getting hurt worse in the process.
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    Be open about your beliefs. There is nothing wrong with desiring a relationship built on mutual respect, understanding, and equality. Being upfront with what you believe will also make it easier to weed out anyone who doesn't fit your standard.
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    Don't make assumptions based on appearance. Think of all the ways you defy convention and stereotypes and assume the same is true of most people. If you assume anyone wearing expensive clothing or any man who watches Jersey Shore isn't a feminist, you could be missing out on meeting a lot of wonderful people.
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    Date on your terms. Make the first move if you want to, wait if you don't. Kiss on the first date if you feel compelled. Have sex on the first date if you feel compelled. There is no wrong way to date.


  • Don't base your self worth on your ability to get a date or whether or not you're in a relationship. You're awesome. Believe that.
  • Prepare yourself that whomever you date may be unsure of what you expect from them. Some men and women expect feminists to be completely opposed to having their dinner paid for, doors opened for them, etc. Be upfront about what you appreciate and what you don't.
  • Being single is not the end of the world. The apocalypse is. Love is the ultimate goal, but love can be found in many, many places. Don't limit yourself by believing you must be in a relationship to be loved.
  • Don't be afraid to answer questions. Just because someone doesn't know why you want something doesn't mean they won't understand once you explain it to them- nor does it mean they won't agree.
  • Look to your other feminist friends for support. Some people may not understand why you want the things you do in a relationship, so having people you can commiserate and share your joys with will be a valuable asset.


  • Be ready for questions or rebuttals when stating your beliefs. A man (or woman, or whomever you are dating) does not have any right to tell you to stop it completely. If he tells you he feels you are belittling men by having a certain type of opinion, ask him why and share your thoughts - even if your partner does not identify as a feminist, you can learn many useful things and grow together. Tell him why you hold the opinion you do and don't be afraid to introduce terms like heteronormativity if they help you explain better; if he tells you that you have offended him and tells you to apologize, then talk about why you have offended it, so you may know the root of it. Tell him you didn't intend his feelings to get hurt, and clear up any misconceptions or misunderstandings. Accept that the person you're dating probably has some pre-conceived notion of feminists, and that might temper his reactions as well and undoing the prejudices may take some time. Do not make broad generalizations about men or women or any other gender as that might make your partner feel belittled.

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Categories: Feminism and Sexism | Getting a Date