How to Cold Approach a Girl

Four Parts:Be Prepared MentallyPut yourself out thereApproachAfter you approach

You see an attractive girl in public or, any place really, so what do you do? Do you peek at her several times, think about being with her, or having her as your girlfriend? But then, she is gone and so is your fantasy... Oh well, life goes on, right? This may have happened to you several times. Did you ever ask yourself What if she is the one? This will prepare you to actually take action next time you see her!

Part 1
Be Prepared Mentally

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    Be prepared mentally. Cold approaching is not quite a common method to meet girls to get dates or have sex with them. Also, not many people are comfortable with strangers so there is a good possibility of getting rejected. The rejection may be painful and embarrassing which is actually nonsense and illogical. However if done properly you will realize this is one of the best ways to meet girls and have a relationship or sex with them. So keep some things in mind before you go out.
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    Be confident. It's very important that you are confident. Confidence is not only attractive but also gives you courage to approach and carry out a conversation with a girl you just met. Of course it's easier said than done but practicing cold approach several times on a regular basis helps build confidence.
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    Try to not let rejection faze you. There's going to be rejections and this may cause you to feel pain, depression and other negative feelings, which is extremely irrational and illogical. You may perceive it negatively, but think of it this way: there are 3.5 billion girls in this world and if a few of them reject you, does it mean that there is no one who would like you for who you are? Is this the end of the world?
    • In fact, shift the paradigm through which you see rejections. Isn't it true that for some great people, their failures and rejections became their greatest teachers and drove them to achieve their greatest accomplishments of their life? In the same way, change the paradigm through which you see rejections and have fun with it and then you will see how it becomes a great teacher. "Failure lies concealed in every success, & success in every failure,” said Eckhart Tolle. Read Become Mentally Flexible for more depth.
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    Don't worry about what people will think of you. Yes, it's a cliché, but very true. There will always be people who'll dislike you and what you do. You may want to
    • Be aware that some people may have very valid concerns, so at least take the time to listen to them. In particular, if female friends or family members are giving you warnings, take note and heed them. Girls often know what other girls like and don't like.
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    Keep the benefits in mind. This is a method which is out of the norm and could be scary. That’s one of the reasons the benefits are great.
    • It helps overcome fear which gives you a deep inner confidence.
    • It helps in public speaking.
    • It helps fix anxiety. If you are suffering from anxiety, this is a very effective method to fix it. It’s like "Exposure Therapy", as psychologists say.
    • You get to meet a new person who could potentially become your friend or girlfriend.
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    Think logically, be deeply truthful and allow the mental static to be.
    • There is a high possibility that you may ruminate about illogical and irrational things just before the approach like, "what if she curses at me?",'she's with her friends' etc. Yes, they are illogical and nonsensical because you can't read her mind!
    • The truth is you don't know how she might react when you approach her. You must be willing to take risks.
    • Don't feed yourself false stories and lies. What's the worst that could happen? She could say "No". What's the best that could happen? She could become your wife, sex buddy or girlfriend!
    • Do it for the "greatest perhaps". This means that even if the possibility of achieving something is 0.001%, isn't it worth it to go for it?
    • No resistance. There is no end to negative thoughts and emotions. More you fight or resist, more stronger they will become. So allow them to be, without any reservations and they will dissolve naturally. Read Dissolve the Ego for more depth.
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    Be comfortable in your own skin if you want it to work in the long run. When you approach a girl don't pretend to be something you are not. In fact push your personality to 150 percent while talking to her. It means who you are - physical appearance, your qualities, your negative traits, etc; embrace them. If you have a weird laugh or anything that you don't feel comfortable about, embrace or "accept" it, instead of feeling embarrassed about it. There will always be girls out there who will like you for who you are. You may get rejected but if you want to meet that one girl, then this is something which will help you in the long run.
    • This doesn't mean to not to work on things that are in your control. Things like grooming, smelling and dressing good, speaking confidently, eye contact etc, are in your control. So work on things that are in your control. Read Get Good at Picking Up Girls for more insight.
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    Above all, have fun! and remember that's the most important thing. Ask yourself, how can I make this fun? What things do I like? What do I find funny or amusing? When you are having fun all the mental resistance and negativity dissolves and your true nature comes out through you. It is highly recommended that you read Get Good at Pickup for more ideas.

Part 2
Put yourself out there

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    Put yourself out there. Go to places where there is a high probability of finding girls. Some good places to go are:
    • Universities: Universities are a very good place to look for girls. The best thing about these places is that you can find a lot of girls walking around plus they are quite friendly as compared to girls you meet on the streets, for the obvious reasons.
    • Shopping Malls: Lots of people in malls are in a fun mood.
    • Public places. Basically, any busy place in a city like city streets, public parks, museums, subways etc.
    • Beaches: Most people go to beaches for fun, especially girls!
    • Concerts. This is a great place to meet girls with common interests, if you really like the band or artist.
    • Meetup groups. You will find plenty of local meetup groups on or similar websites. These groups organize social events on a regular basis. So joining a group that has similar interests as you, can help a great deal to meet people with similar interests.
    • Libraries: Although these places are usually quiet, if you are a little careful then you can approach girls and have a decent conversation.
    • Bars and clubs: These are high energy environments but are also places where you can get quick results. Be prepared to face the loud music and tipsy women. In addition, increasing your energy level at these places helps a lot. Read Dance with a Girl to Attract Her (in a Club) for more depth.
    • If you are looking for some cool people to meet then go to LGBT bar/club areas of your city. Straight people that go to these places are pretty cool and open minded.

Part 3

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    Just go. When you see a girl you want to talk to, approach her confidently without wasting time. Now you are out and can see girls, don't waste time overthinking or ruminating. Just go!
    • Delay is only going to make it worse and there is a good possibility that you may end up beating yourself up in a negative way and most likely give up. Beating yourself up is just more negativity on top of negativity, so it's important that you reduce lag-time between approaches.
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    Try the following ideas to overcome the initial approach anxiety:
    • Challenge yourself. For example tell yourself something like, 'I challenge you to go and talk to that girl right now'. It helps as people push themselves even harder when they are given a challenge.
    • Reward yourself. Something like 'I will buy myself a pizza if I go and talk to that girl'. Give yourself a reward if you complete the challenge and even for genuinely trying.
    • Approach a bunch of people in a small time. It doesn't have to be girls. This really gets you in a mood of talking. Read Make Out with a Random Girl for more.
    • Think logically. Don't feed yourself lies. Again, what's the worst that could happen? She could say "No". What's the best that could happen? She could become your friend or girlfriend!
    • Just watch the anxious feeling and thoughts you get before approaching. Don't fight them, just watch and let them be. This static will dissolve eventually if you just let it be and don't fight it. It helps even more if you become aware of your breath and inner body. Read Stay Rooted in Being for more depth.
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    Reinforcements. Things like "if I don't approach that girl and have a conversation with her I will drop a $50 bill on the ground". Read Reinforcement for more details.
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    Don't make excuses like 'she is not hot or cute enough', 'she's with her friends' etc. If you solely find a girl attractive on the basis of how she looks, you are making excuses and have a superficial mindset. Remember if she can turn you on while she is naked in your bed, she is attractive. Here's a deeper truth, 'In essence, she's a soul. Just like you'.

Part 4
After you approach

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    Start with a genuine compliment or you can go indirect. After approaching the girl say something like 'Hi, you look cute and I had to talk to you' or 'You are adorable’ or ‘You look pretty' or 'I like your style' or anything to complement her genuinely. Don't beat around the bush but be clear with your intentions right away. This can save you from getting into the "friends zone" and keep you out of pain in the long run. It’s also a great way to ease the conversation.
    • Or you can go indirect. Sense the initial reaction of the girl after you say something like 'Hi'. If the girl doesn't seem to be very receptive then just talk to her without expressing your intentions right away, until she feels more comfortable with you. Then slowly subconsciously express your intentions. For example: Hi, do you know if there is a coffee place around here?" or 'Hi, what's your name?'.
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    Think a little deeper to make a deep connection. She may be a random stranger, but if she is a normal person (which she probably is), then she very likely hangs out with her friends, has hobbies, works, studies, has a life story, family, music, movies, has other interests, etc. These things should be good enough to make you feel curious about her. In addition, if you express your curiosity genuinely, not only would it make her feel special, but it would also help reduce your self-made awkwardness of the situation.
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    Maintain eye contact. Your eye contact should sub-communicate what you want. Look deep into her eyes, as if piercing her soul, to convey what you want. For example: your eye contact when you want to have sex with a girl and your eye contact when you want to exclusively date her would not be the same.
    • It not only conveys that you are a confident person, but helps to build attraction.
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    Get the hints. If girl/girls are smiling back in an uncomfortable way or not smiling at all, that's a cue for you to do something to make her feel comfortable. Try these ideas:
    • Shake her hand, ask her something to divert her mind or say something that you find funny. For example, "You're making me so nervous that my fingernails are sweating". Give her a little tap on her elbows or shoulders every now and then. It is so effective, try it. People feel comfortable instantly.
    • If she is still giving signs such as looking around, giving you one-word answers, her feet pointing away from you, blurting short answers, etc, then it’s better for you to take the hint and go approach another girl. However, if the girl seems to be interested at some level like not leaving despite saying, moving around but coming back, and some subtle hints, that's a cue for you to be persistent. Read Get Good at Picking Up Girls for more details.
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    Have normal, fun conversation. Try to talk to her in the same way how you would talk to a friend, but with a little more energy. Act as though you know her.
    • Obviously, use common sense; talking to a friend does not mean swearing unnecessarily. However, if you have a vulgar or sexual sense of humor, then express it, but discreetly. And never, ever, ever make sexual comments about her!
    • If she does not like your sense of humor, regardless of what it is, there is a good chance that she is not going to be compatible with you in the long run.
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    Ask her about her interests. A good way to find out is by asking, "What do you do for fun?". Say things like "Judging by that painting, I think you're an artsy person," or "You know, I just noticed something about you".
    • She may ask you about yourself. Be interesting. Remember, you are there to talk to her, not to interview her. To be interesting, you must live an interesting life. Doing the same chores every day and expecting to be interesting is not going to work. Read Make Out with a Random Girl and Get Good at Pickup for more depth.
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    Asking normal questions is fine but it doesn't evoke much interest and you will end up fluttering. Here are a few things you can do to to keep the conversation interesting.
    • Make statements instead of asking questions. Instead of asking boring interview questions, say something like "I'm gonna take a wild guess that you are into horse riding..."
    • Use "us" mentality. This can be powerful conversation tool if you used it right. It means make conversation about 'both' instead of 'You' and 'I'. For example, if you say, So you don't think you like horse-riding? You know what, we should ride a horse together this weekend. You can be the jockey and I will sit behind you. It may seem like a flirtatious statement, but in her subconscious she is imagining it.
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    Role-play. Put both of you in a scenario. "So you like Italian food? We should go to Venice, Italy this week and ride those boats in the canal, then get some spaghetti." And continue the conversation as she starts playing along. The more detailed and ridiculous the funnier it is.
    • There are many other conversation skills that are equally important like push and pull, sexual humor, physical escalation etc Read Get Good at Picking Up Girls for details.
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    Be a leader. Women like a guy who can lead. Try "There's a good tea place a block from here, let's go there". Don't be afraid to be wrong. Also, this does not mean to force things on her, so calibrate on the basis of girl's personality and your connection with the girl. Again, it takes practice to know the difference.
    • Downtalk. It means speaking in an assertive and dominant tone. It's very important that you downtalk if you want to attract her.
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    Keep the conversation going. One of the biggest problem is that guys run out of things to say and the conversation goes cold. To overcome this problem try the following ideas.
    • Blabber. Utter nonsensical things. This is something which would get you in the mood of talking so blab out whatever comes into your mind. It doesn't have to be vulgar. You can be plain lame, idiotic, or whatever that agrees with your personality. This will help you a lot in reducing your fear of running out of things to say. For example: 'I have no idea what to say now', 'Do you spit or swallow?', 'my mind is blanking.', 'can you see there's a plane in the sky', 'I love you' etc. Watch some some youtube videos for more ideas.
    • Be completely present aka 'in the zone'. It means to truly listen when she is talking and don't think about the next thing you are going to say. Instead empty your mind. Just be 'in the zone' and interesting, fun things will come spontaneously.
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    Polarize. Elaborating the step 'pushing your personality 150%'. Always sub-communicate that you will call her out on her nonsense if she is wrong or doesn't make sense, but of course in a playful teasing way. Don't supplicate to her just because she is hot or cute. For example, if she says she likes teddy bears or a particular movie, then don't say "Me too" when you don't.
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    Be a good listener. This is a very effective way to attract a girl.
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    Ask interesting questions, statements and relay some funny anecdotes.
    • It not only tells her that you are interested in her but also helps to keep the conversation fun. For example ‘Do you always talk to random guys like me or am I just a lucky one?’, 'Do you wanna come to my place and play telephone? I got the string and you got the cans', 'I went skydiving once. Jumping out of a vibrating plane from 10,000 ft with clouds beneath you. That' something'. More the details the better. Read Make Out with a Random Girl for more info.
    • Make sure that what you say is congruent to your personality. Of course use common sense. As you talk to her sense if she's comfortable with your humor.
    • Talk about something interesting or adventurous that happened to you or did in past few days.
    • You are there to entertain both of you, not just her. If you don't find the conversation interesting, change the conversation. Throw several topics until one of them sticks, if you get the drift. Also keep in mind some people are just boring.
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    Get her phone number. If the conversation is going well, ask for her phone number and call her later. For example: "You seem like someone I would like to get to know better. How about we('us' mentality) exchange numbers and talk sometime later?". Don't necessarily wait for the end of your conversation to ask her for the phone number. Do it when you feel you have reached a very powerful connection with her during the conversation and it just feels the right moment to do so. It's called window of opportunity. Use it wisely.
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    Don’t be needy; there is no way it’s going to help you get a future meeting or date. Instead it will do the opposite, and may blow your chances since most girls find neediness gross and unattractive. Read Stop Being Needy for more on this.
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    Ask her on an "instant date" or make plans for the future. If the conversation is going well and you're both having fun then ask her out for a coffee or beverage. If she agrees, use apps like Yelp or Google maps to look for places like coffee shops, bars, etc. Remember girls like a leader.
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    Call or text her within the next day of meeting her. This is very important because the more you delay contacting her, the more likely she's going to forget who you are and it would lower your chances for the next meetup. Also, try to have the date as soon as possible like within 1-2 days.
    • Calling a girl instead of texting might be a more effective. This is because it not only reflects someone who is confident, but also provides an opportunity where you both can start a conversation from where you left off. Whilst some may feel it as being a nervous thing to do to call someone you have just met, but it would improve your chances for the next meetup, many folds. Plus its more personal and saves a lot of time as compared to texting. Also, its a good practice to keep the girl engaged until the meetup. Read Call or Text a Girl for more information.


  • Say anything which you find genuinely funny.
  • Practice one thing at a time. Whatever you learn from here practice one thing at a time. for example: "I am going to work on downtalk today"
  • Use common sense while trying any of the guidelines.
  • Detach yourself from the outcome completely. Outcome is not in your hand so completely detach yourself from it and focus on what you have control over like confidence, conversation topics, downtalk, watching your breathing etc. Its easier said than done but practicing cold approaching on a regular basis helps.
  • Dress properly and smell good. The way you smell and dress is very important when it comes to attracting girls. Always dress and smell as if you are going out to meet that "one girl".
  • Get into god mode to dissolve approach anxiety. Read Make Out with a Random Girl for more.


  • Not all people are comfortable being cold-approached. If done in certain contexts, some cold-approaching practices can be considered street harassment or catcalling, which may be criminal offenses depending on your jurisdiction.

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