How to Be Average

Many people find the stress of standing out to be an exacting toll upon their lives or simply would like to be less cool. Or perhaps you would like to improve your overall quality of life but without overdoing it. In any case, here are some general guidelines for you to create and enhance an average persona.


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    Look around you. Who do you notice while on the bus or subway? Avoid those people you noticed. They're noticeable because they are well above average, or far below. Look to the person that is sitting in the corner napping. There is your idol whom you must emulate.
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    Dump any boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, or even (and especially) spouses who are outstandingly attractive, successful, radiant, or magnetic. Get someone who is worse but who does not suck. Conversely, if your partner is exceedingly repulsive, sloppy, unsuccessful and/or smelly, upgrade to one who is better, but not excellent (use your subway idol as reference and/or marry them).
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    Stop being cool. Social themes and phrases are generally to be avoided, but at the same time, do not be lame. The key is live about 5 years behind the times. That way all your catch-phrases will be well-known enough to go unnoticed.
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    Stop doing interesting things. Hang-gliding is a perfect example of what someone who was above average would do. Stamp-collecting or bottle-cap collecting are both good substitutes. Having too many hobbies can reduce your average persona. One is often enough.
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    Try to develop a weekly schedule. This includes meals, activities, and social events. For example, Saturday could be meatloaf night. This reduces unexpected surprises, enhancing your average persona. Other good examples to include into your schedule are game night, leftover night, and tv dinner night.
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    Do not go to trendy stores. Generally Walmart is a good choice for pretty much everything you need ever. K-mart is also good, but K-mart is weirder than Walmart. What does the K stand for anyway? Do not look it up as trivia is a known average reducer.
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    Buy clothes that do not stand out. Jeans and a t-shirt are an excellent choice. You don't really need any other clothes. Why do people even need anything else? Jeans and t-shirts are so practical and cheap. Wear them as much as possible.
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    Average people often have some depth to them, but it is only skin deep. Have an explanation ready if someone notices something peculiar about your behavior. "Trying to lose a few pounds" is a good choice for increasing both superficiality and decreasing the allure of your personality. If the explanation you've prepared does not fit their inquiry, use it as planned, and pretend you didn't hear them if they question further.
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    Invite your neighbors over for a barbecue. You generally only have to do this once per neighbor or even once per neighborhood. This is too decrease any antisocial images they may have of you, while giving you an opportunity to show them how normal you are. Avoid interesting topics of conversation. Power tools or the price of gas are good conversation topics for men, while shampoo of choice, and being thrifty at the grocery store are good choices for women. If they would like (it is unlikely) to follow up with another one "soon", politely agree but never put any effort into actually following up.


  • Eat the same thing everyday for lunch -- make sure it is not too exotic. Turkey sandwiches are good choices.
  • Out of sight, out of mind is often a good rule-of-thumb for those wishing to be average. However, don't become known as the neighborhood hermit or hag. These people surprisingly attract more attention even though they spend less time out of the house. Find a happy medium.
  • Pretend you are in a movie! Be the person that gives the main character his morning coffee or walks by them in the street. This is both stimulating and boring.
  • Talk about the weather! This is a great tip for enhancing your average persona. Just look outside and fill in the blank: "Man, it sure is ____ today" (examples: sunny, rainy, cloudy, windy, cold, warm, nice -- choose the one that best matches what you see(make sure you are looking outside)). Or if you are uncomfortable in gauging the weather, use a general comment that neither engages nor repels your acquaintance into a lengthy conversation. Some good general statements are "How about the weather today?", or "How 'bout that weather" (you may wish to say "about" instead of "'bout" as the latter often generates a "country-bumpkin" persona which is not average unless you are in the country. Generally speaking, if you are in the country, say "'bout" but if you are in the city say "about"). If you are feeling particularly sparky or wish to take a break from being average, you can spice up the conversation by telling a short anecdote (example: "I guess the forecast was wrong today"), or even stating an opinion (example: "It sure is nice out". Beware of using this one as it often engages people into either agreements which may lead to friendship, or arguments, which often lead to animosity. Having to many friends or too many enemies is proven to reduce your average persona).
  • Avoid all music except that you hear on your local easy rock or easy listening station.
  • If you are at work, avoid getting promotions. If your boss hints at a coming promotion, decrease your efficiency and it may go away. If your work situation continues to improve, steadily decrease your reliability and productiveness until it goes back to normal. If you can get away with it, continue to slack off. If not, increase your productiveness until they no longer take notice of your faults.
  • If members of the opposite sex insist on buying you drinks, taking you to dinner, etc., you have a few options.
    • Decrease overall hygiene until they go away.
    • Bore them with mundane conversation topics.
    • Pretend you don't speak English.

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