How to Be a Special Secret Agent

Being a special secret agent is very different from being a special agent or a secret agent. Instead, being a special secret agent mostly involves doing the job of both a special agent and a secret agent. In fact, the hardest part about being a special secret agent is training for both of those jobs at the same time! Being a special secret agent requires a lot of hard work and harder training. If you think you’re a hard enough guy to get the job, here are a few tips to prepare.


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    Study the modern Israeli martial art of Krav Maga. It is a popular martial art, and is a standby for all special secret agents caught without their special knife (or gun).
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    Learn foreign languages, like Russian and Chinese. These superpowers are a major threat to the United States, and so in order to spy on their special secret documents and intel, you need to know how to speak their language.
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    Train yourself to reach peak physical condition. In order to bulk up, try starting the day with a protein shake with an egg in it.
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    Purchase a high quality trenchcoat and fedora, for undercover work. Special secret agents are known for being able to blend into any crowd.
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    Approach your nearest government organization and ask to be a special secret agent. Try the Post Office or the IRS. People often think that the Post Office and the IRS are mundane bureaucratic agencies, but they in fact boast some of the highest special secret agent numbers in the whole government. They will have applications for those who ask.


  • Remember, in order to be given access to the special secret agent applications,you may need to ask repeatedly, this is a test of your commitment and patriotism.
  • Don’t be fooled by people claiming that the world is controlled by a council of Illuminati or other conspiracy theories. The government is too competent to let that happen. The real shadow government is run by people just like you.
  • Do not bring a gun to your interview. Special secret agents are expected to be able to defend themselves without any weapons to help them.
  • Deny your status as a special secret agent often to everyone you meet, whether or not they ask.


  • No matter what you do, do not reveal your special secret identity to anyone, whether they be your kindly old neighbor or your fiery Latin lover
  • Be prepared to face special secret agents of other nations. Their Krav Maga may be much stronger than yours.
  • Some older special secret agents are likely jaded and bigoted. If they use phrases like “heathen borscht-talk” or “filthy Ruskies” they are probably referring to the Russians. Don’t point out that the Cold War is over, or they may become extremely upset.

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Categories: Careers in Government